“Before marriage, he was very much into me. With time, I realized he was simply infatuated with me. I do not feel the same radiation, that we intimately once shared. I pity the ‘big fat wedding’ we had,” Saumya Pandey* (name changed on request) tells me. Saumya’s husband works with a renowned MNC, headquartered in Bangalore, and they are planning to mutually divorce this year. Both are aged 39.
Saumya* married in January 2023, after dating her husband for 3 years. “We met on a popular social media platform, during the first lockdown. His posts on mental health were impressive and we started chatting regularly. He showed keen interest in me and helped me cope well since we were all homely, but eventually, he proved the leopard never changes its spots!”
During the counselling session, I asked him if he was OK with mutual divorce with Saumya*, instead of reconciliation. “I am better divorced than die daily!” he uttered uprightly and left the room.
The case with Saumya is not new. It will not be the last one either. Since marriage has become a social license to simply copulate, the culture of bonding has toned down to mere intergenerational formalities. Often marriages are said to be made in heaven, but the world has not learned to mind its own business. In the name of the marriage system; even in the 21st century, patriarchy is preserved and disseminated with an intent to control men and women through the specifications of gendered roles. And, as long as marriages are backed by the principles of social validation, the intrinsic bliss of conjugation will lose its value.
A couple in their early 20s in Mumbai’s famous family court were in the queue, waiting for the second hearing, since both filed for divorce. I asked them if they would like to have a second chance at their married life. The son’s mother, aggressively, responded, “Please spare us! My son’s life is in danger. He cannot dare to torture [that girl]” and walked away. The girl’s family did not care to clarify the dowry accusation, while I was waiting for the continuity in this response.
The latest figures released by the NCRB indicate that while the number of cases registered under Section 498A is increasing each year, the conviction rate is falling. Section 498A states, “Whoever, being the husband or the relative of the husband of a woman, subjects such woman to cruelty shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three years and shall also be liable to fine.” In fact, between 2006–2016, for every dowry case that resulted in a conviction, five other cases resulted in an acquittal and one case was withdrawn with the net result being that only one out of every seven cases resulted in a conviction. These records stem from the National Crime Records Bureau. The stats also show the number of pending cases at the end of 2016 is more than twice the number of pending cases at the end of 2006. At the end of 2006, 2,06,000 cases were pending and this number increased to 5,15,000 cases by the end of 2016, an increase of more than 150%. Out of which 10% were fabricated cases.
Even though India, especially matrimonial sites, still boasts that nearly 100% of marriages are a success, rapid urbanization and awareness of various rights are now instigating the divorce rate to shoot upwards. Agro-based states like Punjab and Haryana are now seeing an increase of 150% in divorce rate since the last decade. Kerala, known to be the most literate state has experienced an increase in divorce rate by 350% in the last 10 years. Around 20 years back India had a negligible divorce rate of around 5%.
Marriage is becoming an overrated concept, given the data on divorce cases. Divorce is, however, a taboo in the social system of Indian communities. But, on observing a crescendo in the women workforce becoming more financially independent, men are not only the decision-makers in the family system. Although the concept of a “single mother” is disdained, the marriage system’s experiences are invisibly proselyting individuals to become anuptaphobia (fear of marrying a ‘wrong’ person) and thence, in metropolitan cities, a few privileged couples are opting for live-in relationships against the social odds. Whereas, in rural areas or tier-2 and tier-3 cities, nolens volens, the marriage system is extremely preferred.
“[This] Japanese philosophy ‘Kintsugi’ is theoretically perfect when read, but when it comes to applying it in a fragile marriage, I doubt the authenticity.” — Saumya’s lawyer tells me.
‘Kintsugi’ is when broken objects are filled with the ashes of gold, rather than discarding these objects. It is about embracing the beauty of flaws and imperfections. But today’s epoch rarely gives us the space to patiently work out and we are somewhere looking for a ‘perfect’ partner. In India’s case, compared to the other ‘advanced’ nations like Sweden, Japan, or Germany, which are in a double-digit trajectory, the divorce rate is 1.1%. Between 2007 and 2016, the percentage of married youth (25–30 years old) plummeted from 55% to 47%, with more young men unmarried (61%) compared with women (41%). As life spans increase, it is also becoming more common for older people to consider divorce by reexamining the quality of their lives and levels of happiness, reports Asian Nikkei, a news portal.
“In their twilight years, some people are motivated by the possibility of pursuing interests and passions that their spouses never shared or allowed. They feel that divorce may be a stepping stone to a more wholesome life,” explained Geeta Batra, a Mumbai-based marriage counsellor. One such divorced couple is New Delhi-based Kamla and Ramesh Khanna. Married for 42 years through an arranged match, the 65-year-olds said that with each passing year, they realized how “different” they were from each other.
“We never fought too much, but there was always a disconnect. We had zero common interests and different expectations from life. So, after our son got married, we parted ways. Sure, eyebrows were raised but our quality of life is so much better now. I can pursue my hobbies and interests like philanthropy and travel, which never interested my ex-husband,” said Kamla.
