Apy was completely blank. He was shattered. He was feeling useless. He could not accept the fact that his relationship has come to an end. He loved her to a huge extent, that made him even tattoo her name on his neckline. His friends, relatives and other circles found his relationship cute. His social media account was filled with pictures and gifs of his relationship.
He felt suicidal. He stood there with a hope that she will look back at least for more one time. But, she did not. It was raining heavily. Promenade, Chowpatty, Mumbai. The place, other than Bandstand, known for ‘love birds. Apy was staring at her, completely drenched, feeling feverish. He could not accept the fact that the relationship of 7 years turned cold. He was about to marry her but she found a replacement.
Apy whispered, “How will my parents take this?” Somewhere his social anxiety was also gripping him. He had no answer to anything. He was feeling drunk, without even consuming alcohol. He felt like taking a jump in front of a moving car, but he was lacking the courage. He looked up in the sky, rainy, and did not blink his eye even once. He shivered. He collapsed. A taxi driver spotted him and took him to the hospital.
I know we all have faced a plight like Apy in our lives. Or maybe, we will face. Touchwood. But, you know, life is like that because people are like that. Neither you nor me have clean hands. Let’s accept that imperfection-ism exists. The question here is not: why would someone ditch Apy just like that? There may be Apy’s fault or maybe not. That’s not the point. The point is why do we suffer, despite knowing that pain is optional?
These days, relationships are more common. There is no shyness or conventional thoughts left, for popping the questions. A cute dp easily infatuates the one who has not mastered the art of self-control and self channelisation. This dp-factor could be one of the parameters to get into a relationship, other than ‘sexy’ body, personality, wealth, attraction, chivalry, etc. Everything, just like any romantic Bollywood film, looks good in the start. But, with time, emotions — like the economic laws of diminishing marginal utility — fade. This clearly indicates that we are searching for love in someone else than in ourselves. Deep down, we are lonely in this modern world. Most of us are scared to be alone and thus we constantly seek companionship elsewhere, and then we eventually adjust or compromise than live the relationship mindfully. I do not want to get into the moral science of the relationship or personal choices; I simply want to help people reading this article to cope up with their past memories, break-up or influence them to share this blog with the ones who are undergoing the suffering.
The very first teaching of Buddha begins with lessons on suffering aka Four Noble Truth. 2550 years ago, this cool chap figured out that suffering is certain till we do not figure out the ways to end. Majorly, the suffering is more mental than physical. With all due respect to therapies and other theism, Buddhistic ways to transcend suffering makes more sense to me. So, I am sharing.
Irrespective of your affiliations, you can understand the math of affliction only if you prepare yourself to befriend suffering. Suffering here is nothing but your own nostalgia and overthinking. Instead of escaping from the web of your suffering, how about you sit down there quietly and try to understand the message that your suffering is trying to share? The more you try to flee, the more it will bother you. Just like a cop-thief game. Your own suffering (thoughts) is the result of your inputs of your thoughts you ploughed. It is not just external. It’s merely an inside business. Watch this monkey mind theory to wisely understand what I am trying to enunciate:
Second thing, accept the fact that everything is temporary. Buddha, on his deathbed, uttered “Everything is subjected to decay. Work hard for your own salvation”. Understand, then just know, that every relationship has an expiry date. Your life is not permanent either, so what makes you to conclude that people won’t change like a climate? Even you changed, isn’t it? Change is inevitable and it’s the law of the universe, so why object science or nature here? What comes in, goes out, and vice-versa! Our emotions are like a respiration process. Inhale and exhale. Can you hold your breath for a longer period of time? So, what makes you believe that you can hold on to a thought, memory or a person for a longer period of time? This is the law of nature. If you acknowledge this, you won’t be hurt again. The food that you eat is also meant to be excreted. You know the amount of acidity your stomach can experience, if you don’t attend nature’s call! Hahaha
There is no incentive to hold on to anything. After your death, your Instagram popularity stays on earth. You don’t take your popularity along with you. Holding on to anything does more damage than releasing it. Can you hold a glass of water for too long? No, you can’t. So, remember to put the glass down. You and your partner (may be ex here) deserve freedom, freedom to live, freedom to leave and freedom to decide. This is not being said to promote break-up, although one should always feel free to peacefully resign from a toxic relationship that intimidates individuality, identity, mental health, personal space, gender and liberty, without bilking or cheating. It’s ok to leave than dawdle like Apy. I understand that our society’s culture has not normalised break-ups or divorces and thus many opt to close their eyes and end up adjusting with toxicity. But this is not done. Once you leave such a rel., you also don’t owe any obligation or explanation. This is not rude. This is simply the art of accessing the grounds of mindfulness. It is important to first love and care for yourself because an empty cup can’t fill others’ cup. You can offer kindness only when you have shared compassion with yourself.
Moving-on is an art. We need to master this art. It is possible when you first forgive yourself. One can forget only if one knows how to forgive. Just like how Buddha faced Mara (the king of delusions) before his enlightenment, you will experience your own ego too when you choose to forgive yourself and the others who have hurt you. The next step after ego is enlightenment i.e. freedom. You can start your life again. Buddha has already suggested in this context “no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying will change the future” and he continues “one can start life at any point, any place and at any moment”. The esoteric way of enjoying life is living in the present, mindfully. Nowhere else. Trust me, these suggestions have helped Apy a lot. Today, he is standing at the same location with a smile on his face without any grudges or regrets.
