When you replace gratitude with expectations, you stop disappointing yourself or life anymore. Yes, it’s possible to make peace with yourself.
When was the last time you thanked your knees, legs, hands, head, eyes, nose, etc.? As you know, they have functioned with you so far.
When was the last time you thanked a book, even if it’s not a best-selling one, for helping you learn a new vocabulary or letting you know something differently?
When was the last time you thanked your pillow or fan for operationally helping you?
The reason I am asking such a question is to help you realize that the act of kindness requires smaller steps and with such a school of thoughts we can replace the matrix of expectations with gratitude.
You open any religious book, in some form or the other they hint at ‘doing your best and leaving the rest’ which is to say that you keep doing good without expecting anything in return. As thematically known, any act done with an intent to expectations causes us to crave for more benefits and it eventually ends up crooking the nature of good intentions too.
I understand that we have been raised up in a noisy and materialist culture with different levels of socialization that facilitates us to give in to designs that enables us to focus on cyclical expectations but we as an individual(s) still have the power to react and respond to such layouts that can be used to disable the option of expecting.
When we expect, we may subtly feel that we are doing something worth but little do we realize that what we think/feel that we are doing something worth is — in the end — inherently empty of itself? If you still think that worthiness has some intrinsic merits, then go ahead and name me the list that will reap ‘expected’ benefits?
Once Buddha was asked to guide on a premise “I want happiness”. He paused, smiled and responded “remove ‘I’ as that’s ego, remove ‘want’ as that’s craving and then you’re left with ‘happiness’.”
If you happen to read the history of axial ages, you will easily spot that all these “gurus”, “saints’’ or any other so-called “philosophers” have hermeneutically concluded that “expectations actually hurt”. They hurt because we are “attached”. We are attached because we believe that everything’s going to be the same or permanent. But, tell me, when every new moment is almost like your own rebirth; when every breath you take has a natural obligation to be released, then what makes you think that whatever you expect is going to fulfil yourself in this rat race?
Expectation isn’t some tacked on human fallibility, it’s central to all human and indeed all living behavior. Everything from evolutionary adaptation to scientific reasoning is all about expectation, anticipating tomorrow, gaining predictive utility. The question isn’t whether to expect but why to not expect.
Expectation is what Buddha said is the source of suffering. Though at least in Ajahn Chah’s interpretation, expectation of what drives the whole philosophy. It’s precisely because he expected the goblet to break that he enjoys it. After all, what drove Siddhartha Gautama to his campaign for becoming a Buddha later? A sobering change in expectation about our fates when he witnessed aging, illness, and death.
Without noticing it, you too may be suffering from the myriad ways in which expectations can undermine your life. I call it the tyranny of expectations. They plague your daily life, causing you to be irritable, disappointed, and disillusioned. Many times, they lead you to say unkind words, act unskillfully, or make poor decisions. Expectations are so insidious that you can persist in maintaining them even after you have clear evidence that they are unfounded.
What is most amazing is that despite the suffering caused by your expectations, you hardly notice them most of the time. Sure, there may be a few big ones you are somewhat aware of, but even so, you only sort of notice them; you do not act to free yourself from their tyranny. Plus, there are countless smaller ones you never notice at all. It is only when you feel acute disappointment that you have any awareness of having been possessed by expectations. But for each of these moments of acute disappointment, you’ve experienced many hours of dissatisfaction, impatience, and tension that you never realized arose from your expectations.
When you are controlled by your expectations, you are living a contingent life; you cannot be free in the present moment. You cannot be happy with a beautiful sunset or with a moment of warmth between you and another; instead, every experience is interpreted in the context of an expected future. Can you feel how enslaving this is to you? It would be one thing if in fact you could control the future, but is that the case? I suspect not. To deny the truth of life is a fool’s errand and is costly to your well-being. In contrast to expectations, possibilities are based in the present moment, where you’re alive to the mystery of life. You live as fully as you can in the present moment based on your values, which reflect your preferences for the future, but you do not assume that the future will come to pass, because you realize that the future is unknown. Being open to possibilities acknowledges that what you may think you want changes with time, or that there is another future that will bring you equal or more happiness, or that the future may turn bleak, or that you may die before any future can unfold. Real joy, then, is that which is available to you right now.
When you are not real with yourself, it is impossible to be authentic with others. When you are in denial of the existence of your expectations, you limit the possibility of actively participating in the truth of your life in every moment and preclude accessing the power of the love of those close to you. It can sound so hip or advanced to lay claim to being beyond expectations, but if you look closely, you will see that what you are really doing is denying yourself access to possibilities.
Many people struggle to overcome negative expectations in their life. Ritika (not her real name), who attends the weekend meditation session on every Friday evening I lead, complained for a couple of weeks about how inadequate her meditation practice was and how she never made any progress. She bemoaned her inability to concentrate and criticized herself for repeatedly getting lost. Her self-appraisal was very sincere, and her face reflected tremendous pain. She was disheartened but felt she was being honest with herself.
I, on the other hand, thought her practice was going great. I repeatedly told Ritika this and pointed out to her that she was suffering from having expectations about what a good practice should look and feel like. She was never relieved by my words, but she kept up her practice, coming almost every Friday evening. Then, just as she was making a major transition in her life, retiring from her job to pursue her spiritual interests full-time, one of her daughters became ill with a life-threatening disease. This required her to completely abandon her own plans and move to another city to care for her daughter full- time.
I did not see her for several weeks, then one day she returned to our meditation session, her face aglow. “My practice saved me!” she exclaimed. “I was calm, mindful. I did not fall into resentment or anger.” She paused and then continued, “I was just there for my daughter. I was compassionate toward myself and her. I want you to let everyone in the class know.”
The very difficulties of her life had revealed the true strength of her practice, in contrast to her expectations about what a strong practice felt like. When Ritika’s plans were derailed and an expectation of a happy, exciting time transformed itself into the reality of a time of concern and stress, she was able to respond with equanimity. Her practice served her, and she was able to do exactly what life called for in the moment. She was able to let go of her goal of enjoying a happy adventure wandering in spiritual study. She thought life was going one way, but it went another. That was all there was to it. Do you see how this can apply to your own life? It is not that you must avoid making plans or moving toward goals; it is that you don’t become defined by those expectations or attached to the outcome. Can you feel the freedom that exists in being able to respond rather than react when life goes other than how you had planned? It doesn’t mean that you won’t unconsciously create expectations over and over again — no one is expecting you to be perfect (which in itself is just another expectation!).
Until you are enlightened, you will repeatedly fall into expectations. But the reason to practice being mindful of expectations and being compassionate with yourself when you feel yourself caught in them is so that you acquire the skill to let go of them. You may have expectations, but you are not tyrannized by them. This is freedom from expectations. It is what a Buddhist meditation teacher known to me describes as “just starting over.” When you realize you are creating expectations or are caught in them, you see them for the suffering they represent and you just start over in that very moment, as best as you are able.
It is very easy and very dangerous to get caught in expectations that might be called “spiritual materialism” such as wanting to have special experiences, to receive a sign that guarantees you are on the right path, or to enter altered states of mind. You may expect to be rewarded in life because you are a good person. You may secretly desire recognition for your good works or for being a dedicated student. You may feel it is unfair that you should suffer from a lack of material comforts when you have been so faithful. You may desire certain powers of mind to control outcomes, to manifest your will, or you may feel that God owes you for being faithful. These are all examples of the delusion that can be created by expectations, and they can tyrannize your life. All of us have to be alert to these expectations sneaking into our minds.
When you discover one, the proper response is not to judge yourself but rather to laugh at yourself with compassion. The Buddha himself was repeatedly visited by a deity he called Mara (the King of Delusions), who would tempt him with such “expectations”. His only response was to say, “I see you, Mara” and it is said that Mara would eventually slink away in defeat. Sometimes students confuse expectations with self-discipline. They will sincerely ask, “If there are no expectations, why should I apply great effort?” I like this question, because it helps clarify the difference between living out of your values and living for results. The Buddha continually warned us not to be attached to any specific outcome, yet he also stressed the importance of making an effort and sacrifices, of living a life of moral discipline. Right effort is part of his eightfold path. The difference is in what you control. You have the power to choose your level of effort; you can learn from experience how to improve it and how to be balanced in what is skillful and what is not. But you cannot control the result of your actions. As painful as it is to admit, oftentimes you cannot even know if the results are truly positive or negative just because initially, they appear to be one or the other.
